I Need Advice

Someone very special to me is in a serious dating relationship with a very controlling guy. He can’t stand for her to have happiness outside of him, to the point […]

Someone very special to me is in a serious dating relationship with a very controlling guy. He can’t stand for her to have happiness outside of him, to the point of getting angry at her and refusing to listen to her or support her having a “life” outside of him.

She is young and for whatever reasons, she loves him.

What would you do? What would you say? Do you have any personal experience that could be used to warn her of what a life spent with a man like this would be like? Is there anything anybody can say to make a difference, or is this something she’ll have to learn the hard way?

Thank you for your advice and prayers over this situation.

12 replies on “I Need Advice”

Hi, Mary! I will pray for your friend. Unfortunately, I have found that in matters of the heart, honesty does not usually instigate change. I have found that questions work best, so that the individual will come to the realization on her own that perhaps things are not as she thinks. For example, I might ask, “What would be the qualities that you would most desire in a husband?” And then, “Does so-and-so have those qualities?” Help her explore the relationship by listening to her own words. And always, always love.
I have not purchased my pasta maker yet, but it’s still on my to-do list…specifically so I can make your recipe for chicken and noodles!
May your Good Friday be tender, and May your Easter be joyous.

This is definitely a difficult situation, one that you want to approach with lots of prayer. From what I’ve read and experienced, it would be really hard for her to turn her back on him, as the fact that he’s exercising such control over her (and she’s accepted that control) has reinforced that control. Basically, he’s been reinforcing that he’s the only guy she could ever get– or perhaps the best guy.

If she’s a Christian, my advice would be to try to help her find what’s right and wrong from the Bible, or perhaps try some counseling with a Pastor.

I would definitely speak to her about what you see, and let her know that she would not be alone if she left him.

MInTheGap’s last blog post..Churches and College Kids

Laura, nice to see you here again, and thank you for your excellent advice. I’ll be sure to remember that the exploration process should be mostly on her end, that makes so much sense. I’m praying for an opportunity to lend an ear, perhaps a shoulder. Thank you for your special blessing of my weekend! Happy Easter to you too, my friend!

MIn, she is a Christian, but he is not. I agree that it will be very hard for her to break it off, she’ll need a lot of support…thank you for giving me a man’s viewpoint on this…

Where to start? First, there is nothing you can say to her to make her see what kind of guy she is with. You just need to pray that the Lord removes the veil from her eyes and to reveal the truth.

You are very welcome to share my testimony with her. But it really has to be God to show her the way, kids can be so stubborn.

Leticia’s last blog post..Good grief!

Oh Leticia, why are we so stubborn when it comes to young love? You are so right. It’s in God’s hands, but as I pray, I’m praying for an opportunity, some kind of opening, whether it’s with me, or with someone else she trusts. So easy to see how her life could bloom or wither, based on this big decision.

Thanks for weighing in, I was hoping you would.

That’s such a hard situation Mary. Even if you do talk (like PP’s have said) she may not listen. Even if she does truly believe you that you are right about it, she may still not act on it because of fear, or simply some people are just drawn to this type of controlling relationship. They need someone to control them. It’s so hard for friends and family of those people to just sit and watch this type of relationship. I will pray for you and her, that she chooses the right thing for herself and what God wants. HUGS!

Hi Mary – This is something I deal with on a regular basis at work. I meet a lot of women who are in abusive relationships. I work in a Women’s Center and I work a lot on our sexual violence initiatives which include domestic violence. Unfortunately, until your friend realizes she needs to get out of the relationship all you can do is listen and let her know that you’re there for her. It’s very difficult to see someone close to you in this type of relationship. If she ever did want to get out the relationship I could send you some resources and such to support her.

Thank you for your prayers, Geri. Your comments always make me feel warmed and encouraged. I appreciate you!

Colleen, I never thought about this aspect of your job…how hard to be able to see so clearly what all these girls need to do, and yet, have them be deaf to your input. It’s hard to imagine an abused woman running right back to her abuser…but I know that’s the pattern. So sad! My problem is that my friend hasn’t really confided in me. The issues between her and her boyfriend are so obvious she doesn’t have to, plus I’m getting second hand info from her family. So I’d really be going out on a limb to ask her about it. Except that someone needs to step in and warn her to get out while she can. I think she’s beginning to realize what a dead end road she’s on. It’s so hard to watch!

Mary –
I think as her friend you could mention something to her. If it’s something obvious, you could always just do a “wellness check” (I noticed…You seem…Is everything okay….you know I’m hear for you…) Chances are she knows deep down inside something isn’t right, but getting to a point where she can make a change is very difficult. She might be defensive towards you, but in the end she’ll know you’re there for her.
I was in a not so great relationship for a bit and the friend who confronted me early on and that I was defensive towards was the friend I went running to when I needed support after the relationship dissolved.
It’s hard doing what I do, but it’s in my spiritual gifts to be in this role so I love helping people and I have personal experiences that allow me to do a pretty decent job at it. There are definite rewards, not every day, but there are…Let me know how I could assist and I’m glad that you have her on your radar – she’s lucky to have you as a friend.

Thanks, Colleen, and believe me, this is uncharted territory for me, so I really really value your input. I definitely want her to know I care enough to try, but I don’t want to seem pushy. I like the sounds of a “wellness check”.

What kind of info could you send me for her? Just curious.

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