Number One Parenting Tip: Train Your Young Child to Ask Permission

This sleeping beauty is my youngest daughter. She just finished singing “The B-I-B-L-E” to me, wreathed in dimpled smiles. She adores helping around the house, yesterday she even picked up, organized and put away her older sisters’ Horseopoly game (which was left out after they were done playing!) to surprise everyone. She’s a grand little girl!

How can little ones be so perfectly precious one minute and completely naughty and horrible the next? Easy, we’re all born with an old sin nature…and some of us with a stronger will than others! God says in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Deuteronomy 6:7 tells us to “teach our children diligently, when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lay down and when you rise up.”

It’s so important to train them from the outset, and this means spending time with them…they learn so much from osmosis, so to speak. Elizabeth at the Raising Godly Tomatoes site calls this time together “tomato staking”–staking your child to your side, teaching and training all the day long. Follow the tomato staking link for an in-depth explanation of this theory. The point is, you stake them to you while they’re young, so they’ll grow up straight and productive.

Putting this in CAPs because it’s important:

I AM NOT CLAIMING TO BE AN AUTHORITY ON CHILD TRAINING. (On the contrary, that’s why I’m writing this post!)

YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE RESPONSIBLE TO GOD FOR HOW YOU RAISE YOUR CHILDREN. EVERY FAMILY, EVERY SITUATION IS UNIQUE, SO SEEK WISDOM FROM HIM BEFORE YOU THINK WHAT WORKED FOR ME WILL WORK FOR YOU…

That said, I am going to share my thoughts candidly, in the hopes that you might be encouraged to stay the course…and maybe learn some practical tips from my mistakes/successes.

What I Did and Didn’t Do

I definitely spent more one on one time with my oldest, as most moms probably do. Her vocabulary as a 10 month old was phenomenal, and by age two we were reading the Little House on The Prairie series–and Stormy of Chincoteague…she couldn’t get enough chapter books. In the car we’d play the “Bible Questions Game”–both of my older girls still love to rattle off their Moses facts (Jochebed–his mom, Amram–his dad, Aaron and Miriam–siblings) and the fact that Jesus, James and Jude were brothers…they begged me for Bible stories and morality tales about Princess Bratty and Lady Loveday.

We tried to be consistent in our training. We set up trial runs that were more about cheering on obedience than punishing for disobedience. We spanked when necessary. We talked about appropriate behavior before things like birthday parties or Christmas gatherings…our approach was more positive with the older girls, because we were more pro-active. With our youngest, we’re so busy correcting all the bad behavior that there’s hardly any time leftover for praising the positive.

She’s not a monster by any means. She loves helping, as I stated in the first paragraph. I’d hate for her to be reading this blog’s archives in a few years and think that mommy had nothing good to say about her, b/c she’s a totally precious little girl unless she doesn’t get her way.

Which Leads Me to My Number One Parenting Tip…

Letting toddlers choose their own way is a surefire path to destruction. They are too young to be left to their own devices (whether it’s time in front of the TV or complete freedom to wreck the house with their toys). There has to be a healthy respect for authority, ie, you want to train them from little bitty to ask your permission for everything! Lol. That sounds OCD again, doesn’t it, but believe me, it’s such a simple step when you start young and don’t let things slide as I have. Because you really don’t want them to run outside into the street whenever they feel like it, right?

Dialog such as:

“May I have the green cup, Mommy?” (**and then being able to handle occasionally getting the blue cup anyway)

“May I have a snack?” (rather than letting them help themselves to anything and everything, whenever and wherever, because this doesn’t teach them healthy eating habits or self-control)

“May I watch a movie?” (don’t let them decide when the TV gets turned on and off)

Every time they ask for permission, you are reinforcing that you are the one looking out for them, you are building trust, and teaching them contentment…while it’s still relatively easy to ingrain! And just THINK of all the temper tantrums you are avoiding!!!

**This doesn’t mean that you are saying “No” to everything…you want to tie heartstrings with your children, it’s a blessing to grant their desires when it’s reasonable, and if it’s not, you can explain why–sometimes. Sometimes they just need to take your word for it and not question your say-so. (Isn’t this a picture of the kind of grace relationship we have with God? And sometimes we don’t understand why He stops us in our tracks when we think we know what’s best for us! Maybe He’s just training us, ya think?)

I fully believe that most of the problems we’re having right now with our four year old stem from her having too many freedoms. Suddenly mommy and daddy are taking away these freedoms (her getting away with bad attitudes, etc) and she, of course, resents it! Doesn’t this sound more like a teenager issue to you? Ding-ding-ding!!! I believe that the teenage years don’t have to be full of rebellion and angst–if the training is done right in the early years.

I Have Proof (the mother protests!!!)

Yes every child is different, but in observing my three children, I can see the fruits of good training (and lack of!) so clearly.

When my 10 and 8 year old daughters wait till after Sunday school is over to eat the candy their SS teacher has given them, they are doing so because they want to eat it with my permission. And believe it or not, the self-control that takes is good for them! And here’s the thing: I have never told them they could not eat candy given to them without permission. They have the habit of asking permission deeply ingrained within them from their early years. Yes! My jaw drops when they ask permission for things like this, because they are better trained than *I* am…and their happiness while asking is evidence that it hasn’t hurt them any to wait. (I’ve since told them that they are old enough to enjoy candy in class if everyone else is!) An interesting thing to note, is that they don’t seem to have a sneaky bone in their bodies…and I’ve been radaring their every move!

So when do you start?

We started teaching certain sign language signs to our girls at 8 months of age. Sometimes it didn’t really catch on till later, but many of the signs were wonderful ways to introduce the proper way to get what you want! “Please” and “May I have a drink”, etc. Wow, they became such polite little things! If they didn’t ask nicely, they didn’t get what they wanted. Simple. And at that age, they usually took the quickest route to satisfaction. A painless way to teach a good habit that reaps so many benefits as your child grows older.

Another benefit to this, is your child will be the one standing to the side in a group of mischievous youngsters. They know better, believe me, because their mind has already been processing the fact that if they’d asked permission, it would have been SERIOUSLY denied and for good reason. I’ve noticed that many children act without thinking whatsoever– wrecking people’s property, putting themselves in danger, etc.

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Well, hasn’t this turned into a ramble…just give it some thought, and ask God to give you wisdom and strength to train up ALL your children in the way they should go.

They don’t raise themselves. And you don’t get many second chances.

12 thoughts on “Number One Parenting Tip: Train Your Young Child to Ask Permission”

  1. Mary, this is a great post and I really appreciate the transparency. This is definitely a post to bookmark for my future reference. Again, it’s nice to hear a fresh, honest voice in the bloggy world!

  2. Cute picture by the way. I think this is really interesting topic. Thanks for the post. I can see how this is affective. Kids are very demanding. Once they assume control, it is difficult to keep them respectful out in the world.

    Not only making them ask for permission, but also leading by example and maybe even teaching faith. I like the car game, thanks! I will use that. One of our favorite books right now is “This Bible Talks!” by Pamela Fischer. Narrated by Michael David McGuire. It is a great great book for pre-readers…I highly recommed it…http://www.thisbibletalks.com . I also put as the link in my name if any one wants to know where to find it.

    I have a friends kid who is very demanding because they let him do what he wants. Now, he is so disruptive in pre-school that they are always being called with problems. I think he will have a hard time in life when people tell him to do things he doesn’t want to do.

    Nice post…

  3. Only 2 years away, Colleen, and I promise you they will fly! I bet your step-daughter is already hinting around about wanting a baby sibling!?!? πŸ˜‰

    Rachael, thank you for your wonderful comment! It really blessed me today. I’m always a little fearful of first time commenters on a “Parenting Post”! Lol. (been attacked here before!) I’m glad you liked the picture, we all got such a kick out of sleeping beauty that day…she was royally wiped out! You’ll have fun with the car game…it’s something my girls beg for. Once I taught them every little trivia fact I knew, I had to ask my mom (a pastor’s wife) for even more!

    I’m always thrilled for book recommendations! This Bible Talks sounds really good! I’m following your link right now…

    Thanks again, hope you come back by…how many children do you have?

    Mary

  4. A great post, Mary. Our little Lydia is 21 months and just over the last week she seems to have morphed from a sweet little thing to a terrible toddler. I think the terrible 2’s are starting a few months early. Yikes. I know she is testing the boundaries and I am just praying we will consistently set the appropriate guidelines for her. Your post was helpful and encouraging during this time.

  5. We’re just noticing now that our kids have had too many choices and decisions, and have started to believe that they have the right to tell us what they will eat, what they want to do, etc.

    It’s not just the “I can’t hear you” when they forget to say please, it’s the constant, incessant idea that they have that they are the most important thing that I have to pay attention to at any given moment. Whew!

    MInTheGap’s last blog post..The Wedding and After

  6. It happens before you realize it’s a problem! That’s why I’m hoping people will read this with infants and be ahead of the game. It’s so much easier to train right (and if my dh and I hadn’t had this tip given to us when our firstborn was still “in the oven” we would have had to learn it the hard way…) than to have to go back and retrain.

    The thing to do when you realize you have a problem, is take away all freedoms until they can handle accepting your authority. Easier said than done. A lot of people would argue that this will produce children that can’t make their minds up or seek approval for everything they do…but that’s not true. What it does, is produce pretty responsible kids that know the right thing to do and have learned it well enough that they usually do it second nature. Now, sure it’s different with different kids, but the basic premise is common sense…

  7. Read Proverbs! πŸ˜‰ Seriously…you have before you such joys to look forward to, Bethanie! I remember my pre-baby days…God led us to some very wonderful Godly parents who took us under their wing and shared some awesome parenting books and helps with our family. I still look back at that and am awed that we discovered these helps before we had kids, rather than after we had kids with problems to fix! So often that is when we start looking for solutions and ways to parent, is when we already have difficult children. Pray that God will lead you similarly and give you both wisdom…I’m so excited to see how God works out your future and your children!

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