I hope I haven’t exhausted this topic! Here are two places I’d like to recommend to couples wanting ideas on how to daily be a blessing to their spouse. For men, go to The Generous Husband. Women, go check out The Generous Wife. Paul and Laurie are a Christian husband and wife that take marriage seriously. I’ve enjoyed an email subscription to The Generous Wife emails for several years now. Here’s a little description taken from Laurie’s Generous Wife page:

Everyday you’ll receive an idea geared to bless your husband (a mix of romantic, practical, sexual, relational, and spiritual). Use the ideas that will work for you and use the rest to spark your imagination in looking for ways to bless your husband.”

Then, I came across another post on this very same subject over at Girl Talk. Janelle Bradshaw wrote, Cherish Him–and it’s full of practical ideas on what husbands say their wives do to make them feel cherished! I especially liked this one Janelle shared, taken from chapter two in the book Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney:

“Each time Karin catches my eye in public with a smile and subtle wink, or greets me with a warm embrace upon my arrival home from work, or hangs on my arm when we go out on a date, the message comes through loud and clear: ‘I enjoy being with you and want you to know that I love you.’”

So we’ve talked about how your loved ones show love to you, but how do you show your love?

Me and Her

She is compulsive.

I am impulsive.

She likes it hot.

I like it cold.

She is neat.

I’m a slob.

Andy Rooney says, “A’s marry Z’s”

But we are in different alphabets.

I push.

She pulls.

She says, “Down.”

I say, “Up.”

She is night.

I am day.

Living together is hard.

Living without her would be impossible.

~Author unknown

Doesn’t this just bring back newlywed memories? I’d make the bed and tuck the sheet-ends in, he’d get in bed and tug it all out again. I’d have supper ready at 5 pm each night, he wouldn’t be in from choring till 7. (I’ve adjusted our mealtimes). I’d fix veggies alongside every meal, a definite change for him. (He adjusted). I drank water only. He drank a little tea with his sugar. Now I drink coffee and he’s water only. Go figure.

I want to hear some of your quirks, whether they were newlywed adjustments or things your friends/spouses still find amusing…share share away…what annoyed you, what did you do that annoyed others?

Only the things you can now smile about, please!

Valentines Day is next week!

So let’s talk about love and marriage…specifically, how do you show your spouse you love him or her? What are some of the ways he/she makes you feel loved?

For me, it’s the little things. When my husband cleans up our especially messy toddler after supper, or when he rinses the tub out after his bath…these considerate gestures speak volumes. They tell me he appreciates me, wants to help me, doesn’t want to make more work for me. Which makes me want to do more for him!

Of course, the best times are when he hangs out in the kitchen with me as I fix a meal, or calls me during the day to tell me he just had to hear my voice…

I’ll never forget our first anniversary. Turns out he’d been paying attention in our dating days when I pointed out a gorgeous arrangement of peach and red colored roses at a department store. *I’d* even forgotten I’d gushed about the color combination. That was almost 13 years ago–that first anniversary–and guess what? Those petals have aged well, though the once vibrant colors have wrinkled and faded.

The little things are important to the big picture. Surround yourself with enough of them, and the hurtful things are easier to shrug off and forgive. Sometimes you have to look for them, but they’re usually there if your heart has eyes to see. And with that said, here’s a quote for you:

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Robert Quillen

Your turn, what little things really get to your heart?

I wanted to share an excerpt from a book I truly enjoyed, Bring Back the Joy by Sheila Walsh. In chapter 5, talking about God’s faithfulness she tells the reader to imagine that the following is a conversation between a father and a son about the son’s future bride.

“She’s the one for you, son. Im’ sure of it.”

Martin looked at his father in utter disbelief. “You must be joking!” he said. “She’s hardly the kind of woman you should be advising me to marry.”

“I’m as serious as I’ve ever been,” his father continued. “I’m telling you, this is the girl you should marry.”

Martin looked across the restaurant to the bar where his “intended” was creating quite a stir. She was on her fourth round of drinks and was getting louder with every clink of glasses. He watched as four of the guys at the bar threw their car keys into a beer glass and held it up for Sonja to choose. She pulled out the set of keys that went with the blue suit and disappeared into the night.

“I’m asking you to do this for me, son,” his father said. “Do this for me.”

An episode from a cheap soap opera? Just read the OT book of Hosea. This man of God was instructed to marry a woman “with a reputation” to live out the story of God’s faithfulness to unfaithful Israel. Hosea married Gomer, who remained unfaithful to him, and yet Hosea persisted in his faithfulness. Perhaps God, in the only way we can understand, is giving us an illustration of how we have broken his heart by our wanderings and lack of commitment.

What is so amazing about the tragic story of Hosea and Gomer is the redemption and mercy carved out on the harsh landscape of their lives. We read, “The Lord said to me, ‘Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods.’” (Hosea 3:1)

Despite the brazen behavior of his people, God still loves, still goes after, still stands true and faithful.

What amazing grace…

Don’t be cheated like Eve by believing the lie that life can get better…if only…

• if only we didn’t have so much debt
• if only my husband did more to help out
• if only my wife respected my decisions
• if only my children didn’t drive me crazy
• if only we didn’t live in a “money pit”
• if only I could go back to college, get that degree; sell that book I’ve been writing, etc.
• if only I could afford a tutor to help me homeschool my children
• if only I could afford an hour away from it all at Starbucks :O)

We all have our “if only’s”. What’s yours? Have you, a Christian, realized yet, that the here and now that you’re in, is God’s plan for you? That this is how it’s supposed to be?

When my husband and I were first married, I learned the beautiful rewards of contentment. And there are many.

When “house-hunting” as pre-married’s, we were unable to find any homes w/land for sale (we didn’t want to rent) so we bought a trailer house and stuck it on dh’s parents’ property. We thought of it as an investment that we could resell as soon as we found the “place of our dreams”.

Not having that “dream place” soon became mighty inconvenient. We put off having children for four years thinking we wanted to wait till we were “on our own place”.

Along the way, during those four years, I struggled with contentment in all areas. I felt embarrassed that we were grown adults “mooching” off of dh’s parents generosity in letting us live on their land rent-free. I felt there was a stigma associated with living in a trailer. I was constantly annoyed with dh for not giving me a better yard to work with. I spent hours pulling weeds from the former weedpatch where we’d stashed our first home. Normal lawn mowers didn’t cut this stuff! I wasted so much time and energy wishing for the opportunity to…move on.

My mom reminded me of that verse in 1 Timothy 6:6, “Godliness with contentment is great gain.” It became my mantra in those moments of angst. It became easier to slough off the annoyances, the inferiority complex. I became thankful for the little things. I think I’m pretty easy to get along with these days! :O) 

In our fourth year, four months into my first pregnancy~smile~we found our ‘dream home’. Great timing, huh. It’s become our ‘money pit’ with its own share of eyesores, but still we love it. And we fondly remember our first home, that humble little trailer house. It was, in fact, much cozier than our current home. I actually miss it…at times!

To cinch it up, here’s our latest favorite by Jack Johnson. It’s on his Curious George soundtrack.

Supposed to Be by Jack Johnson

Maybe it’s up with the stars
Maybe it’s under the sea
Maybe it’s not very far
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be

This is how it’s supposed to be
Maybe it’s trapped in a jar
Something we’ve already seen
Maybe it’s nowhere at all
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be
This is how it’s supposed to be

Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to

Being here is so easy to do..if you want to…

Do you want to be content? Contentment can make your life and relationships rich beyond your dreams.

Dreaming is great, but it’s just a flirt away from discontentment.

This past weekend’s mission was:

Send a love letter listing the reasons “Why I love you so much.”

So I wrote a love letter to my husband…he’s the best, and I’m so glad God put us together! In deference to his private nature, I decided I shouldn’t post it here…so I removed my original list.

Have a Weekend Kindness to Share? Leave a Comment and we’ll paste your link here: 

What I Love About My Wife at MInTheGap

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View More Weekend Kindness Participants

A good friend from my grade school days has been going through some marriage trauma. She recently gave birth and her dh of less than two years is filing for divorce. Long story. Aren’t they all? Sigh.

She called me the other night wanting straight talk, and I told her according to my understanding, if her dh divorced her, she wouldn’t be free to remarry till he remarried someone else or died. (Matthew 5:31-32)

My “verdict” was like delivering a death sentence. She’s fairly sure he won’t ever remarry, having once been burned. She’s not even sure he was a Christian to begin with.

You all know how I feel about “choices” and that marriage vows have to mean something. You have to enter into it with no “back door escape clause”…God’s ways may seem unfair, and harsh, but they’re for our good. However, my heart hurts for my friend.

I found this blog entry on commitment and marriage the other day, and wanted to share it here. Minuteman and his wife Candy, of Keeping the Home, have great blogs.

I just love reading husband/wife blogs. I’ve got another set for you later this week…

Commitment isn’t for the faint of heart. The truth is, most couples are incompatible in the beginning. God’s ways aren’t always our ways, but once you marry that person, they become Mr. or Mrs. Right…

Here are some scriptures regarding this topic (thanks Dad and Mom for your help with these):

Malachi 2:16, “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce for it covers one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. ‘Therefore, take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously’.” (Use the link to read the verses in context.)

1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. (This verse leaves room for argument, but in light of Matthew 5:31, I don’t think the innocent spouse is up for remarriage…and reading Matthew 5:31-48 with a hard marriage in mind, well, it’s kind of a tough message.)

Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” (and the next verse, 5, is meaningful for those wanting to persist in a hard marriage) “Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have for he hath said, ‘I will never leave thee, I will never forsake thee’.”

And ponder this:

Isaiah 29:13, “Therefore the Lord said, ‘Inasmuch as these people draw near to me with their mouths, and honor me with their lips, but have removed their hearts far from me., and their fear toward me is taught by the commandment of men’.” (easy to take a pastor’s word for it, but make sure it aligns with the Bible)

Matthew 15:8, 19, and 20, “These people draw near to me with their mouth, and honor me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. These are the things which defile a man…”

For out of the heart proceed…adulteries… Being married is being one, it’s a sacred trust. You can’t allow your heart to wander, it’s the same as committing adultery. Different consequences, but faithlessness all the same.

I always like to recommend Restore Ministries to those in hurtful relationships, marriage or otherwise. You’ll find encouragement and testimonies from those who’ve fought the fight and endured, wanting God’s best for their lives.

Remember Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Besides the Bible, get your hands on a copy of Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. Read it before you get married, if possible! I’d been married 12 years before reading it, and my eyes were opened and convicted!

Anybody want to chime in on this topic? Feel free.

What’s the best gift you can give your spouse? Forgiveness. Grace.

I say this, because if we truly love our mates, then forgiveness and grace will follow. Not easily, but we’re required by God to give it our best. (not to mention those vows we meant with all our hearts…to love, honor and cherish each other through good times and bad till death do us part.)

After all, the outpouring of God’s ultimate love-gift to us resulted in our forgiveness…so never underestimate the power of grace.

Grace has been defined as getting what we don’t deserve. If you translate this into forgiveness…it’s automatic unconditional forgiveness–forgiving even when the other party hasn’t admitted guilt. (Look how the Amish so peaceably forgave what that gunman did to their daughters…)

Love and forgiveness go hand in hand. Look at 1 Corinthians 13…the love chapter. Some of the references to love are actually cloaked in grace:

• love is patient and kind (no matter what)
• love is not provoked
• love does not take into account a wrong suffered (are you keeping a list of how your spouse has hurt you? do you remind him/her what he/she said in the heat of anger long ago?)
• love bears all things, love endures all things

Ephesians 4:31-32 says,

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ Jesus also has forgiven you.”

Does your husband or wife hurt you daily? (I’m not talking physical abuse here). Does he or she fall short of your expectations of what marriage should be? Does your spouse make promises without follow-through? Do you feel taken for granted?

I don’t know about you, but I’d fail miserably if God asked the above questions about me, and how I’ve let Him down time and again during my time as His bride. If we as Christians with Israelite-tendencies are continually forgiven by God for the ways we continue to fail Him, how much more should we be able to forgive the person in our life who means everything to us?

But we feel justified in our bitterness. We want to withhold love and forgiveness (among other things); these things go against our nature. We rationalize our reaction. We might even ignore the fact that we’re at least a little bit responsible for whatever went down.

We’ve got to walk by the spirit. I read on someone’s blog (sorry, can’t remember whose) a quote by Oswald Chambers about obedience.

“Obey God in the thing He shows you, and instantly the next thing is opened up. One reads tomes on the work of the Holy Spirit, when one five minutes of drastic obedience would make things as clear as a sunbeam. ‘I suppose I shall understand these things someday!’ You can understand them now. It is not study that does it, but obedience. The tiniest fragment of obedience, and heaven opens and the profoundest truths of God are yours straight away. God will never reveal more truth about Himself until you have obeyed what you know already.”

And we know this for certain: Instead of deserved punishment, we received undeserved grace. And not only grace, but life eternal…seated in heavenly places with Christ. Amazing reward.

Amazing grace.

In 1 Corinthians 15:56-57 we see an awesome truth! I know it’s brought hope to my heart,

“The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law, but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Wade through this with me for a minute. If we want to be Christ-like in all our relationships, then we want to die to selfishness. We want to be self-less. It’s how most mothers best nurture their children, we’re selfless, we love them and sacrifice for them. When we trip up, it stings. It hurts to know we’ve lost our temper, or put our own interests ahead of theirs to the point that it’s hurting them.

Sin stings. And here is where I think most of the problem is in the anti-submission camp. Instead of finding grace and mercy in God when we mess up, we heap self-condemnation upon ourselves to the point that we get so discouraged we throw in the towel on God, on our husbands…on the law of dying to self forgetting that in Christ we have victory over sin and death. Oh the power of sin is the law. Sin has the power to destroy. Jesus died to set us free!

The other hang-up is that we think if we’re too self-less, our spouse will take advantage of it. Stiffen up (and remember I’m preaching to myself too), does God say to be self-less only when it’s in our favor? Are there escape clauses? (and I am not advocating that women remain in physically abusive marriages, I’m talking about personality/soul clashes between h/w).

Lest you think I’ve arrived, I haven’t. Just yesterday, yep after posting, I admit I was not dying to self when I got frustrated with dh for not going to the Awana kick-off with us. There was a big misunderstanding, which led me to believe he wasn’t going (which was going to break his little girls’ hearts) and when we were already running five minutes late, he came to the house grimy from working on his truck. He was going to clean up and go with us. Oh man, that ugly self reared its head within me. All I could think of was that he’d had all afternoon, and we were going to be late…and we’d invited a new family who’d be waiting on us to get to the church. And on and on. My reaction stung, let me tell you. It stung me and my kids. He saw that I was concerned about being late and told us to go without him.

I should have stayed there and urged him to come along, no matter how late it made us. The evening wasn’t the same without him.

But when these things happen, we’ve got to let it go. Confess it and continue walking in the spirit.

Dying to self.

Titus 1:15-16,

“To the pure, all things are pure; but to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but both their mind and their conscience are defiled. They profess to know God but by their deeds they deny Him…”

Don’t deny God, deny self.

Dying to self…this simple Biblical phrase causes so much inner and outer turmoil as Christians try to reason it out. Christian women, especially.

Galatians 2:20 says,

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”

We’re tripped up by this verse, evaluating it in terms of what we “lose” rather than what we “gain”.

Why is it that we automatically assume that what God asks of us will drag us down, instead of clinging to His promises and obeying in faith? His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts.

Savor the following commentary by Alice Smith on Galatians 2:20 from The Evidence Bible:

“The path toward humility is death to self. When self is dead, humility has been perfected. Jesus humbled Himself unto death, and by His example the way is opened for us to follow. A dead man or woman does not react to an offense. The truth is, if we become offended by the words of others, then death to self has not been finished. When we humble ourselves despite injustice and there is perfect peace of heart, then death to self is complete. Death is the seed, while humility is the ripened fruit.”

Jesus’ death on the cross was the ultimate in humility, and what an everlasting gift…to die to self is to truly live and love as Jesus would.

In a perfect world, all Christian husbands would love their wives as Christ loves the church, and all Christian women would love their men so much that nothing would be too good for them…even if it meant denying herself in the process. Husband and wife wouldn’t take advantage of each other’s love, but esteem each other more highly than they esteem themselves.But we don’t live in a perfect world. Sin has brought suffering. We’re going to face persecution, hurts, injustices. How are we going to react? If not Biblically, then how?

Life as we know it is but a vapor. Learn from God as Job did. Who are we, anyway?

His creation.